I AM NOT ASHAMED
What does sexual abuse do to a child?
Colleen of Chattermaster wrote this piece, and I felt it. So it was only natural that we collab. Thanks Colleen, allowing me to voice your words.
- Anne Schilde says:
Hi Anne, thanks for watching ♥ One saying I love is ‘You can only start from where you are’. Ever so true.
I am an abuse survivor.
I am damaged as a person and was unable to father children of my own, but I looked after 42 kids plus another 16 as a registered youth volunteer.
Today my God daughter and her family (I looked after all four of Pat’s kids) now look after me, so I have the family my dad denied me.
At a very tender age dad tried to prostitute me to a local gangster family involved in child prostitution, pornography and blackmail.
He failed because I was too young even for them.
At the age of eleven I was beaten and raped.
Today I remember one thing: I STILL LIVE and as long as my abusers live I will be a constant reminder and the much feared knock on the door.
Love and hugs!
Prenin, I feel so, so much for you. I am afraid to ask where was your mother – you never mention her. I think you are amazing to grow up and embrace children, to be loving to them and caring – and it seems you give so very much to them. Prenin, the crimes of your father against you are overwhelming. It’s with a lot of damned pride you should now enjoy the family your father denied you. God bless you Prenin, I really have a lot of heart for you. ♥ & squishy hugs
I do admire your courage as you have spoken about the scar left in your life. I am in the favour of the these individual should be locked up for good who does these acts. There are so many victims in other countries but they are afraid to talk about it. Alot of love and hugs, for your courage.
Zahir, thank you so much for watching. Surely not everyone’s “cup of tea”.
I hope for you to understand though – I did not write those words: those are the words of Colleen – ChatterMaster on my blogroll. This was not my experience, it was Colleen’s. I am exposing it because I told Colleen I’d love to do a reading of one of her works & she agreed to let me do it. Colleen is the brave survivor, she’s the brave one. I just spoke the words, and enjoyed making a video out of it.
Colleen’s words, the whole piece can be found here –http://bikecolleenbrown.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/i-am-not-ashamed/
I really appreciate you watching – your time. Thank you.
Noeleen, I have no way of telling you how I feel right now. Words are not what are falling from my eyes. You did such an incredible job. You bring power and exclamation! I was anticipating feelings because I knew what would be said, and where I anticipated? You delivered. I had others give me feedback on the writing of it, but I always wonder how other’s “read” it, interpreted it. Now I know. I am a little overwhelmed, in a very good way, at your work. You are an exceptional human being. You not only have an incredible gift of expressing yourself, you have an incredible gift of empathy, sympathy and expression to and for others. Thank you. Thank you.
Colleen, with all of my heart, absolutely brim full, my pleasure and such relief that I delivered. I am so, so glad I said it well enough. Thank you Colleen, for allowing me to express a part of your life because it is so important to let out, be said. I wish billions of people – the perpetrators too – would see/read your words, and it’s just too regrettable it’s a tiny bunch on WordPress that will. I admire you have found ‘who YOU are’ regardless and deSPITE all. xx
I’ve heard my wife talk of her past, and read her writings, but this video put a new kind of power behind he words. Thank you very much.
My honour, David Brown. How wonderful she has a solid husband behind her, this life. It’s good she’s spoken of it with you. It is such crime, a crime. Thank you for appreciating my efforts to express Colleen’s experience. I stumbled over a couple of words, but I think it was okay. Thank you for taking the time to watch, and I absolutely appreciate you commenting.
I hope that you talk to others, who have been where you have been, I have never had this happen to me but i do know people this has happen too, I hope many young people see this and that it help them , to find the help that they need,
You are one very special Lady
Sue, my sincere thanks for your words, and for your time by watching. What I spoke, were the words of Colleen – ChatterMaster in my blogroll. She very generously allowed me to express her words. It is a matter of importance and I like you hope many young people see this and it helps them. Oh God, I so wish it could help someone, someone – as many as possible, find the courage to speak up and make it stop. I wonder how I could spread this word further, I do.
But thank you so much for visiting. Sincerely, N’n.
I don’t know how you did a pingback and I don’t know quite know what it does but I think it links your page to mine & vice versa. That’s pretty cool I don’t know how you worked that one out!
When I wrote my blog today I put in a link to your blog, so since I linked your blog from my blog I “think” the ping back is notification to you that I linked to your blog. I think…… that’s how it seems to work. I put in a link to the post “I Am Not Ashamed” and i got a ping back on my own blog.
Oh! Right then. PING PONG Have a beaut day Colleen
Noeleen, you have done a beautiful job with the video. It is a powerful display of colleen’s words. As Chatter Master says, you have an incredible gift of expressing yourself, and think that you have given Colleen a gift by doing such a fabulous job. I am impressed and I admire you! Hugs.
Thank you Zolemia! Thank you so much for watching, and for saying I have a gift for expression. I am grateful to ChatterMaster for allowing me to express an important but PERSONAL message. Hugs to you!
OMG, true, Jimmie Chew? This is overwhelmingly regrettable. I hope each and every one of them have found their way, have found their strength, how found their life.
Thank you for expressing my sister’s words so beautifully. She doesn’t just write the words, she lives them.
Oh Tara, how lovely of you to come by – so Colleen is your sister? I am so so glad you are okay with how I’ve done it. I was hoping to honour her words. Thank you so much. I wish all of your family so well
I am indeed and very proud to be! She is an amazing person and I am almost always in awe of her-except when she tries to convince people that I am the older sister! She is the most loving person I know, has a heart of pure gold, and smiles like no one I’ve ever known. She is the most “glass is half-full” person anyone could hope to know. I could go on and on…. A lot of people can write and not live up to their own words. She can write and she emulates every word she puts “on paper.” You did indeed honour her words and read them with the passion and meaning intended. My very best to you and yours as well
I couldn’t watch that all the way through. You are amazing, though. And Colleen is amazing for writing and surviving that. Also, I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award!http://fussy-budget.com/2011/11/27/holey-blog-awards-batman/
Oh Ribbons Undone, you honour me! Thank you so much for nominating me I was sorry you couldn’t watch it all the way. I suspect pain. I wish that pain would pass.
Thank you for not whispering, we shouldn’t whisper or feel shame over what someone else did. I was sexually molested once I was 7 and another time when I was 14. I have never forgotten those traumatizing events and each time i read news on rape, my blood turns cold and pray they recover their strength to fight those trauma.
Oh thank you so much, your comments. I am amazed you say it so openly and it is so personal – but yes, you should not whisper it. Someone did it to YOU. Rape absolutely petrifies me. It seems to take so much. I really don’t know how the women recover, but I overwhelmingly admire when they do. Thank you so much for dropping by, and your honesty. I am ASTONISHED how many people are saying they, or someone they know, has experienced this. ASTONISHED.
I found this very moving…thanks to both of you. Personally, I was lucky …I came close a few times and remember the fear and shame, and the feeling that no-one must ever know. But that doesn’t come close to actually being put through the experience and living with it.
Daniel, how wonderful an appreciation from a man. And to think you came close but escaped is very very creepy. I am glad for you, your escape. I am so glad you could appreciate this. A lot – A LOT of people are saying they know someone who was abused/or they were abused. It is a horrific undertone in our society and has you wonder brokenhearted, how many kids you pass in a day down the street, on a bus, wherever, are having to deal with this. I just cannot comprehend how someone could inflict such invasion, I absolutely cannot comprehend. It is really great you watched. Thank you.
You add so much power to words through your narrations Miss Noeleen! Though I haven’t been through this, but i can seriously feel! Wonderful job!
And my message to the ones who have been through this, Be Strong and have faith! You are worth much more and way better than this! Just pick yourself up. And don’t hold yourself back when this happens. Speak out and lash out! You are powerful and do not deserve to be held back! Make yourself heard, no matter they believe you or not. There is only you who needs you. And no one else!
These are wonderful words, Pakistani Boy. It is a joy to hear you don’t relate to the message. I wish no-one could relate to the message.
As for what you have to say to those who can relate – wonderful words. “Speak out & lash out” – I do so hope for. There is a LOT of fear & ugliness in this subject. I appreciate you have listened, felt, considered. xx
I’m not sure just what to say here. You have an opportunity to give your son a fantastic childhood filled with beautiful, clean memories; embrace that chance as often as you can.
Yours is a beautiful soul, young woman.
I really appreciate you watching The Hook – something I’d love a lot of people to see. The words are not mine, you realise? They are Colleen’s words (ChatterMaster). I said I was interested to do a video of her words and she let me. You are so right that I have the opportunity to give my son a fantastic childhood filled with beautiful clean memories. Thank you so so much for seeing so much into what I put out here.
I wanted to thank both Colleen and you for daring to break the silence and give voice to something so painful. As I commented on her blog, her words and the emotion you put behind them describe so well the things that are lost when a child is abused. I know this. I know others who have suffered even more than I. I am going to send them the link to her words and your telling of them. I hope they can draw as much strength from them as I have.
Thank you Chef Lecter, just exactly what we aimed for. Strength, to feel, to grow forward. Thank you for watching I’m so glad you appreciated it.
I can’t believe you failed your Shakespeare test! You must have really been feeling a lot of pain after thinking about the boy running away from the fear of being molested. After realizing that you felt weak from that, you took every initiative to write, and you felt that you could in turn accomplish that.
Thank you jhirzel88 to understand that yes, it was pain and disorientation, a spaciness, a displacedness, an emptiness, a void, an ache, a distortion – all that was caused my constant invasion of the physical/sexual self by a larger ogre type being, and you are vulnerable and defenceless
I really appreciate you watching, I wish for many many people to feel and understand the consequences of child abuse. Sincerely, thanks for stopping by.
Thank you Barking in the Dark. Hee hee ‘number-one-mum’ – awesome!
I wonder what will be your next beef with the everyday …. I will have to come visit you.
Daniel is a beautiful boy. Don’t be too down on yourself when you have a lot to look forward to with your son. It may seem hard now but but it will all be worth it in the end.
How lovely, circle of life. True
Thank you very much for dropping by.
PRO LIFE then!
Aww. Daniel is simply adorable, and you are simply beautiful, in both body and soul.
I can truly feel your love for him from both your actions and your words in this video. Your actions and words, for some reason, remind me of how much I love my own mother. She’s the type of mom that, if there were six pieces of pie and seven members of the family, would give up her piece of pie. She’s also the type of mom that, even if her child yelled at her for doing something they didn’t want her to do, would handle it and then later accept her child’s apology.
…excuse me, I think I need to go give my mom a hug.
(Long comment short: You’re a wonderful mother. ;D)
Ha ha – give your mother a hug! That’s a great result from this video Thank you so much for watching, Riayain.
Words fall from your eyes, love pours from your heart. They joy you have in the love for your son is inspirational. Moving. I’m so glad you share with us. Love.
Thank you dearly, Colleen . Sometimes I hesitate, but then I think: I’ve never had an opportunity to share this life experience, and I so want to, and I get back to it. Thank you for showing it’s okay to do.
Thanks, Jakesprinter, thanks for visiting. Isn’t it sad though – he won’t consciously remember a bit of those early times…That’s sad!
When your spirit is robust, you can live at 10 times the volume of your norm.
Love that above phrase of yours. And this piece, thank you for another glimpse of your journey. By the way, I love your “headliner” photo, just beautiful
Thank you Aurora, HSP . Glad you like the headliner. One second caught to forever recall. It was precious.
It’s clear that Daniel means more to you then anyone. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again: He’s lucky your his mum.
Smart move leaving little snippets of Daniel’s life like bread crumbs he can use to retrace his origins.
Thank you so much for watching. Yes, like bread crumbs to retrace his origins. The truth is, I really do wish I had more images of my early life, before my mother died. Just a few b/w photos is all I have. I’ve been recording my life “ever since”.
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TAKE 1: Daniel-one-son
Written, read, created by me. Copyright Noeleen
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A Writer’s Words
Written, spoken, filmed, edited, felt by me. Copyright Noeleen
I liked the “noise” of the life. Borrowed the words. I found that interesting. I feel, when I read your blog, that you are creating the words. Your blog name “words fall from my eyes” gives me actual images of words falling, landing on the paper. Words falling out of you. Created by you
I meant borrowed the words as in words are just recycled every day. None of my words are new, just assembled my way.
I love your interpretation of my blog name! Actually, words fall from my eyes when something happens and you are speechless, you know, because you are feeling so so much but don’t know how to express it but it’s all expressed in your eyes, the words instead fall from your eyes. But the way you said it – yes, I can see that!
Not such a small thing. The city itself has some much to tell us. A story with each person…with each object that you have captured here.
Very nicely done, indeed!
(I have to admit I was a bit nervous for the guy on the railing, though – if that were me I would have wound up with my face in the concrete!)
Hey spilledinkguy . Funny how kids just go ahead and try it out. He was having to concentrate & balance, but he still did it. I would have THOUGHT about it and then thought ‘aaah, no’. Glad you liked it – Melbourne city.
I watched this video (wonderful!) and a couple of your other ones at Vimeo (one fun and another that brought tears to my eyes.) You are so expressive and your voice is divine. I kept thinking that you must be an actress! Whether you are or not, it’s apparent that you’re very creative. I’m glad to have come across you in the “blogosphere.”
I have so much to read lately, and much to write. And much to research on my end of a project that my sister and I hope will help us climb out of the depths, so I’m sorry that I’ve only read one of your chapters. It was heart felt and drew me in because I’m also a single mother (she’s a grown-up now) who struggled all the way, in more ways than one. I identified greatly with the chapter I read. I’ll definitely be back. Nice to meet you. I’m Ré.
Ré, thank you for all of your comment. I’m not an actress but did want to be once upon a time. When I told that to my father, he said “You’re precocious enough as it is” and he refused to let me be in ads.
I enjoy filmic expression very much. The vimeo videos are because I wanted to avail myself to any opportunity to do voice work or TV ads, but actually I can’t do it because I work 9 to 5 and I just can’t take the time out to do ads. I used to do ads when I was single and without a child, and short films with film students – all very amateur. So the vimeos were me TRYING to get back into that, but in fact I cannot because of my day job. Thank you, you enjoyed them!
I agree with the ‘much to read’. I fully understand you can’t sit & read all the chapters – you’ve got to live!! I am interested in any single mothers whose children are now grown because I struggled so much, you wonder ‘can I get over this, can I make it all the way’. Well if you can, I can! Thanks again for coming by, am glad you discovered me too.
Whew, Noeleen, you show great talent. Have you ever thought of taking acting classes? I think you would be perfect. You must know that you’re good at taking on rolls. Maybe you could land a roll even without having taken acting classes.
I think you know all about emotions and you can choose to show them or hide them. To my mind this makes for great acting to show the emotions you know from your own experience!
Thank you so, so much, Aunty Uta. OMG, I actually sort of feel you’re an aunty. Must stop that sentimental inclination!!
I just thank you for saying I must be good with acting, but the truth is, I feel all my opportunity for true actual living, is fairly passed. What I have now, the opportunity I have now, is happiness. And that will do just fine – acting etc can fall away. Next lifetime!
Yes, Noeleen, be happy, you deserve it after all you’ve been through. You are strong and independent, but I think you’ve learned that’s it’s all right to trust people who mean well and want to support you in some way. And keep enjoying the simple things in life. In your writing it’s so good to see how you can enjoy very simple things and you describe it so well. No matter how you’re going to live your life, you’ll always have something to write about that’s very interesting to read. So keep writing and enjoy it!
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SAVED by BATMAN
damn I only got to 8:15. Gotta run. I’ll be back! I wanna know what happens!!!
Wow. That was intense. Man. That guy — Glen? — who left all those awful messages … that brought back some bad memories for me. Not the physical threats, but all the other verbal abuse. So terrible. People can be so hateful
I felt like that could be the beginning of a future movie on you, based on your future book =P … It’s very chilling and captivating, moving the camera around the photos and hearing the voice recordings in the background *shiver*
Thanks heaps. Who is that voice? That voice is the REAL Stuart, the private investigator, my lover of two years. As I say, whenever I met someone new who expressed interest in me, as in a relationship (it only happened twice in that two years) I told Stuart I found someone and we’re going to try a relationship, and he’d snigger & step back. He’d snigger because he knew I was broken, emotionally, & it wouldn’t last.
So 2-3 months later – absolutely no calls in between – he’d ring & say, “So you free again?” and what do you know – I was. Sighhhhhhh.
But wow, so you’re STILL with me! I’m really honoured by your project here & can’t wait to see what you write, & I will reflect back & it could all be very gripping! Really, it’s a great idea you’ve come up with. You said you were doing a few blogs (I think you did) so I’m even interested to read the others you do.
Thank you again!
Aww, no need to thank me. Really! It’s an intense journey but it’s great to be here
I am doing one other blog journey right now. I think next time I will just do one at a time so this can go faster! lol.
I hope despite all of what you went through with both Stuart and Chris, you have healed to a certain extent. I am looking forward to reading about how things progress in the upcoming months from this entry
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A Tale of One Kitty
(written & spoken by moi )
Loud Mind says:
AWWWWWWWW omg!!!! He’s SO CUTE!!!
Wow, your voice is beautiful!!
Wait, this isn’t the cat you were writing about in the previous post right? I think you referred to that cat as a “her”?
No, the cat in the previous post was Zoon – yes a she. Zoon was from my marriage, I took Zoon with me.
The cat above is Oscar, our beautiful Oscar. We only got him when we moved from Perth in 2008 – to Melbourne: from the West to the East of Australia. So Oscar hasn’t got anything to do with the story, but something I threw in, just to let it out there. Glad you liked what I wrote about him. Thank you!
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My son practises what I call ‘dudeism’. When he and his mates are together, it’s dude this, dude that.
When playing computer games, linked to others out there in the world by microphones and gadgets, it’s “Dude”, “Dude!”, “Dude”.
I wonder what age will see him beyond dudeism. For now, it’s just another thing to love him about.
September 24, 2011 at 3:21 pm (Edit)
I’ve come here after you found my blog. I started here after reading your “about” when you commented on my blog. After reading the information I am glad you started your blog with “dudeism”. It’s a joyful recognition of your son. So I am reading on from here.
- wordsfallfrommyeyes says:
Wow, Katerina – thank you! Thanks for reading from the beginning. I am most grateful for your interest My life didn’t feel “riveting” at the time!
Janice, hi. Wow, thank you for considering me for your project !! Very cool, very interesting.
I would LOVE to read a post by you, reflecting. That would be very interesting to me – almost like a book review! Because you realise, this blog started Aug’11 is a first draft of my book, POST-NATAL, SUICIDAL, DROP-KICKED MOTHERS (so it’s not perfect writing, just seeing how it goes down with people, & then if I feel confident it may pass the interest test, I’ll start looking into publishers likely interested in autobiogs some time in February, and take it from there). Of course, they’d want a finished manuscript, but I will get their interest first & if I hook one, I will give them a finished version.
So what do I think? Yes please! I love your project. Yes, I’d be okay with having a post written about my blog some time in the future.
Please do keep me posted – I would make a post linking to your eventual one so we could have two way traffic. Beep beep!
What an interesting idea… & again, thank you for considering me for it.
Hey Noeleen! Awesome! I’m so happy that you’re so enthusiastic about this
That’s great that you’re sharing your writing through this blog to see what could happen with a future book. I’d love to do whatever I can to support that.
So I will keep you posted on how it’s going and you’ll see me leaving comments along the way of this blog journey
And love the idea of two-way traffic hehe =P Thanks!