I made this video in 2010, a little over a year before I tried – I tried so damned hard – to murder my Self. My son saved my life.
This video says “I didn’t do it“, and urges you to take charge and not be a victim of all you have suffered before this very day that you are there now and reading this. Then a year later, I did attempt it, and if I were not discovered in time, I would have accomplished it.
How many, then, die but could have been saved?
This video is a bit of a perfect example of both the MANIC of manic-depression (or bipolar as we call it these days) and the endurance of an individual – for strong as my message is, and hard as I tried to remain upright and forward moving, I fell deep, deeper, deeper into darkness, blindness. I actually worked every day through it too – 9-5, mental mental 9-5…
At this time, I could not even think sufficiently to know at the core of my heart how my ‘accomplishing’ self-murder would affect my son. See the little girl on the left of the b/w photograph? She doesn’t know her Mum’s going to die soon.
My anti-suicide message is strong and urgent.
I plan to bring this video to light every year in memorial of my Mother (r.i.p.). I also plan to be more spiritually advanced , personally accomplished, each year that I do.
Life is possible.
Try something today you have not tried before.
One year from now, You could be looking back at this – perhaps as you are blogging your own heart out, and You could be knowing (not hoping, wishing) that life can be joy.
Sincerely,
N’n.
Copyright, Noeleen
(Latest Subscribers, in case you don’t yet realise:
My son and me are grown beyond this time I am writing this novel about – this time of when he was infant, and I wrote tearfully in journals as I had no-one to talk to, no-one. No-one. We have survived it all, yes, but I write to reach those ‘still there’. I care truly about you and your child, for you are humans being and this time near killed us, and I don’t want same to kill you. Life is possible, and it’s better than death [we can do death later]).
My condolence to you
Thank you, Yoshiko. I appreciate you pausing to say that.
Welcome
Wow– what a poignant entry and video! Made me tear up, lady… Although I lost my mom to cancer nine months ago, you are right, it is our choice to truly LIVE. Love you blog, fellow Piscean!
Thank you very much indeed, Marchpane81. I like very much that you’re a Piscean
Regarding your Mother: cancer is a horror, a true horror. I hope you are well today, and possibly have a father. Family somewhere, at least! Sincere best, N’n.
Thank you for your reply…. Oh, yes, a true Pisces– truly hard not to be nostalgic daily and be too self-deprecating…
hehe. Yes, I am very close to my dad and sister, and it has become a deeper closeness since we have that horrible thing in common– the loss of the strongest woman in our world. I do not think one ever gets over the loss of their mother, but I am glad that you write about it, too– it is healthy to do so and to keep her memory alive. Thinking of you, lady. 
Mar 3 2002 is my sobriety date !
Noeleen, sending enormous love to you and Danielle. On your belated, birthday, and every day. You, are an inspiration to all.
XXX
Thank you, Victoria,
Sincerely,
N’n.
Daniel. (Not Danielle.)
It’s what happens when my mind thinks faster than my fingers.
XXX
Happy weekend (upcoming)!
Yes! I knew from the beginning, that your son’s name is Daniel. Have no idea how I typed the feminine version, but glad I caught it. Names are sacred, in my opinion, and we should make sure we get it right. Thank you for not taking offense. My youngest daughter was almost named Danielle, in honour of my uncle (who I was very close to.) He passed away in the months before she was born.
Wishing you and Daniel and wonderful weekend!
Hi Victoria
I used to HATE it when EVERYONE spelt Noeleen wrong -
Noline, Noeline, Noleen, Noelene, Nolene -
and was mystified how they never chose ‘Noeleen’ out of all the alternatives! I mean, if they’re guessing, why was the guess never right?? Extraordinary, to me.
I then read a book about self-esteem etc, and so I decided to correct people. I used to just accept it as wrong and not care (but care) because I thought it too much effort and confrontation. THEN when I decided to correct people… the number of times they still got it wrong after being told how it is when right!!
I have school reports where my name is regularly spelt wrong BY MY OWN TEACHERS. Why dad never corrected them on it, I do not know.
On a blog though, with all that people read – that washes past their gaze, words & words & words – it’s no biggie if they get my name wrong, but notably a delight when they observe it correctly and write me it correctly.
Thanks for caring
And I hope YOU have a beaut weekend too.
So… curious what your daughter’s name is if not Danielle though, & why you didn’t go with Danielle after all. Was it too close to ‘Daniel’ & people might get it wrong? Hee hee, just teasing
That’s hilarious! “Why was the guess never right??” And a really good question!
Her name is Jordan. A friend of mine insists on referring to her as “Jordie”. Which makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on edge. I hear it as “Gourdy”. I think it’s the most disrespectful, presumptuous, and ignorant thing to assume. But I also understand that it is (allegedly) an endearment. And, my friend is 93 y/o, so I have not, and will not correct her. I also know the spirit in which she says it.
Not sure why “Jordan” was the final pick. I’d thought about the name “Frankie” as well. My mother told me a long time ago that, children choose their own names, prior to birth. (Maybe that’s why I consider names to be sacred?)
So, in my mind, my three children chose their own names. She also told me that she and my dad had another name for me, but when the doctors laid me across her chest, when I was born, she knew that I was “Victoria”. It wasn’t until I was older, that I refused to acknowledge “vicky”. It still confounds me, why parents, friends and family will name a child one name, but call the child the shorter version? Like Bill for William, Katie for Katherine, or Beth for Elizabeth. I find it a strange custom.
Oh Victoria, ‘Jordie’ is too much like ‘Geordie’ the boy’s name. This friend MUST cease. Not right at all. Yes, I would hate that.
Oh – 93… Sigh…
Interesting thing your mother says that because I hated my name when younger (part of why I didn’t care to correct people – it just filled me with disdain). I don’t LOATHE it now, but my mother chose my three older sisters’ names, and being Polish, so were their names. Then dad named me after a race horse that won for him. I didn’t like that, that it was associated with his betting, and I didn’t like that my name started & ended with n. But now I fairly like that (N’n).
Then I was doing numerology and when I found my first and last names each had 7 letters, and my last name has 3 Es, well, it grew on me a little.
Fancy your mother just ‘knew’. It is all very curious, this life, the underlays.
I like the name Noeleen. And, N’n. My eldest daughter- I played around with the name, Joeleen, for months. My Father’s name, was Joseph. Didn’t think she’d be named Joeleen, though. Had something to do with the 1979 Dolly Parton song, by the same name. And so, Her name is, Michelle.
Numerology. I too have an intense interest in the esoteric.
Yes, indeed. Life: glorious, in all of its curious, and mysterious, ways…
Well, Victoria, with that addition by you I cannot help but say: you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many people, on learning my name, sing,
“Joeleen, Joeleen, Joeleen, Joeleeeeeen, Oh please don’t take my man….” and grin at me,
“Joeleen, Joeleen, Joeleen, Joeleeeeeeen, Please don’t take him just because you can….” and grin at me.
I ask you, what AM I meant to say?? !!
Noeleen, that sounds like severe ignorance on
the singer’s part. I’d say, “My name, is, Noeleen.”.
Hmm, That seems so simple, Victoria. Funny…
I am actually very sad to read this post. Nobody should have to go through that agony.
to be rejoicing completing another year of existence and then couple of days later to be reminded of the tragic departure of the person who gave birth to you.
I can only pray and wish that the rest of your journey be blessed.
Sending your way a belated birthday wish for prosperity.
Thank you for all your heart in this comment, Amira, but I wasn’t entirely celebrating another year of existence… and I did not know at the time that Mum had severed her lifeline. So, I was pretty sheltered!
It is these days, now that I have actually survived so much hell myself, that I feel something about it all. I do believe she could have been saved, she could have learned coping mechanisms, she could have left dad and been all the better for it all. But wasn’t to be.
So, the least I can do is try and tell others the truth: there can be living within your life: find it: make it happen: it is yours.
Thank you sincerely, for coming by and knowing by this post.
xN’n.
Powerful Video I hope one day you will feel happier your Birthday .
Insight to a Lady I’ve never come across or met and know her already.
Hugs Sheila x
Thank you so, so much, Sheila – you know, for coming by and appreciating. Sincerely, N’n.
My partner and I met at a dance. As we danced I asked her would she like to accompany me to a restaurant with great food and an acoustic guitarist on 5th of March to celabrate my birthday. “How did you know it was my birthday?” she wanted to know. There is another coincidence but a happy one. We have celibrated our birthdays together for the past 31 years. At our age we have not escaped trauma but perhaps we have been fortunate in over coming or tough times. We looked around and found there is always someone with greater hardship. You are a talented person it shows in your blog. Thanks for liking my post. I try to motavate please visit again.
How lovely – 31 years!!! That’s just so precious. That’s fairytale stuff, that is!!
Thank you for saying I’m talented, I appreciate that. I have not thought that way of myself at all, but having this blog has me see as others view, & they’ve been very generous! So true, thanks.
I did enjoy your blog, yes. It’s a real pleasure to cruise about some days – you find the best places to hang out sometimes. Cheers.
Wow, that really hit home. I grew up in the same house as my bipolar, schizophrenic uncle. He’s been suicidal off and on for 30 years. We’re always learning, and it helps so much to hear how others have lived it.
It does hit home, theHQHQ, it does. To me again and again; so surely to others who can relate.
My father was manic depressive (bipolar), my Mother I do not know what but showed a doctor her Death Certificate and from the prescription overdose said she was likely schizophrenic, my sister who lived with dad and me after the orphanage etc developed schizophrenia in her late teens, and I’d wag school and spend long, long times with her in the locked ward.
I did not develop the normal perspectives, view of hope, life and light in the world, none of my peers could relate to my personal death wish, and my will to die, myself, did not magically disappear when I left my father’s household, as nor did the bulimia etc etc.
I am glad it helps to hear how others have lived it, and I thank you for coming by and viewing – and taking the time to comment. I wish all who need to, see this.
Sincerely, N’n.
Good heavens, that’s a heavy burden. I can definitely relate to some of it, but can only imagine the inner strength you must have needed to get through all that. Best of luck to you in the future!
This is a very powerful video, Noeleen. Within a few minutes people can grasp what your background is and what you have suffered having had nobody to talk to. So you talked to your diary eventually which made you a good writer and communicator. You devoted your life to your son and he was the one who saved you when it came to the crunch.
I think every human being has a breaking point. If the pressure becomes too much, we
do need help. The most powerful help is love, love by another human being. And not just love but
compassionate love. Blessed the people who show compassionate love towards their fellow human beings. It certainly saved me at a time when I was under too much pressure.
I can understand, Noeleen, that your birthday always brings bad memories. But I think deep down you are also grateful for your life and what your mum has done for you. And I am sure you do not blame her for what she did to end her pain. I have the feeling that you know now that she just couldn’t see another way. You also know how it could have been prevented. Your effort in urging others to open their hearts in trying to prevent suicides is a wonderful gesture and it probably gives you some comfort in feeling that your mum did after all not die in vain.
Thank you for publishing this excellent post!
Yours, Aunty Uta.
Thank you so much for all that, Aunty Uta.
No, I do not blame Mum. She was completely unsupported, from my understanding, and dad was an aggravator. VERY much like my teens – funny, isn’t it?
I remember my sister saying Mum had ‘abandoned us’ but I had not seen it that way, before she said that. Then I contemplated: was it abandonment? It was abandonment as side effect, I see, but not her intention to do – deliberate act to effect abandonment.
Thank you for seeing so much in this, Aunty Uta, for feeling the solemnity of this message, and for your warm heartedness.
For all of us who have had family members or other loved ones who committed suicide, this is very powerful. There is so much guilt and blame and emotions and feelings that will never, ever be resolved. I am so thankful that you were pulled from that brink. Blessings, friend.
Thank you enormously, Renee, to say this is powerful. And thank you to appreciate what a rebirth it is, re-grip on life, to be pulled back from the brink – and so momentously, by my own son that I gave birth to. Mercy.
Yes, to all who can relate, my heart spreads wishes of love and deliverance from grief.
Very moving post and video. I am amazed at your courage and your determination.
Inspirational.
Thank you enormously, Elizabeth. I appreciate your generous comment, this awful issue. I have contemplated suicide since my teens – it was the mental escapism (can end this all by dying, you now…) which kept me going through difficulties, but actually falling into abyss was frightening for truly, you are powerless: you see nothing but death and want nothing but death. As a well practised human robot I was capable of working, paying rent, making meals, but every single night I hid in bed and hated when came the light of day when I had to go again… again… again…
Really something so horrible, you cannot imagine and you would not want to know.
It must have been so awful to have lost your mother when you were only six, and by the circumstances of how she died, and not to have had her nurturing replaced effectively by anyone else throughout your childhood. That emptiness must have been so hard to bear as a child and young adult, that basic need of love and protection missing from your life.
But I see that you have gained strength and self-esteem, and have solace in your writing.Keep up the writing. You do it SO well and you touch so many hearts, including mine.
I believe in YOU.
Thank you heaps for all of your sentiments, Elizabeth. But you know what, it wasn’t so awful because I didn’t know I’d lost her (at the time).
Dad had us suddenly pack “everything”. He was tearful, skinny, red eyed, red faced, distraught, and I didn’t know what was going on, but I packed “everything”. I asked weren’t we packing for mum, and he said she wasn’t coming. He didn’t say why. So, no, I didn’t know a thing – so wasn’t distraught.
It was over the years that the loss fell on me like a leaden blanket laid so gently upon you, let go inch by inch, until you are buried beneath its weight, but still above ground (alive). That was the horribleness of it all.
Of all the many things I find it difficult to forgive Catholics for, is:
(1) not telling me something real about where suicides go after death (I was told they go to purgatory and are in pain and anguish until God, most likely when not premenstrual, decides to free them)
(2) saying suicide is murder and the suicide will burn in hell.
Different schools, that result.
There was no anguish at the time, only in realisation later, but it is rich of this life to allow me to free myself.
I guess, in one way, your birthday gives life true meaning. Like you say, you didn’t do it. Touching video, Noeleen.
Thank you Alarna Rose Gray, very much
I wholeheartedly admire you for being brave enough to be so honest about something like this. Like someone else said, it was difficult for me to read and watch this. I don’t know how to adequately express my feelings except that you are kicking some serious ass with your words. So much to be impressed about here, Noeleen.
Lillian, your comment that I am “kicking some serious ass with my words” is an enormous compliment to me. Thank you so, so much!
Whoops, intercede their cause was what my mind was typing while my fingers wrote “Call” change that for me will ya…lol
Bless You
And Daniel…
This world would not be the same without your lovely smile, heart, and soul. With the beautiful writing ability you have, and the heart filled burden for others suffering aimlessly from what you’ve learned to manage for Daniels sake…I have to reverse your words;
How many, then, will be saved…but may have sadly died, Had you not heeded the call to intercede their call?
Bless You
paul
Wow, Paul, this is a blessing of a message for me to receive this fresh Saturday morning. Ah sigh, closure of another week.
Thank you dearly, dearly for seeing the weight of these issues – back-breaking I can assure you. I would love to “intercede their call”, for having seen the brilliance of the light of life, I want it to shine on all. The rays of the light have the capacity to shine on all, but we have to take out head out of the ground emu-fashion first.
xx I do believe you can see.
I do hope that one day you will enjoy your birthday, never forgetting your beautiful mother and the tragedy that overcame her, but just because it ‘is your life’…
A truly touching video, Noeleen. Hugs and kisses… xoxoxo
Thanks, Carolyn. It doesn’t blight my day like it used to. I’m fairly at peace with it now, but do want to raise this awareness video each and every year.
A Perth friend said to me “You can change your birthday. Just change it.” But no, it is my birthday, Mum’s departure day, and I don’t want to pretend anything.
Fully agree with you, Noeleen…
Time does help to diminish the pain.
It is a great video, and a wonderful tribute to your mum…
Happy belated birthday…!
I am touched you regard this as a great tribute to Mum. This yes, I wish it be.
Thank you, Carolyn.
Thank you, Carolyn, to say the video is a great tribute to Mum. I would indeed like to think it so. That’s a wonderful compliment.
x
Your courage in posting this Noeleen is amazing and I hope others see how our minds overtake as they call out for help and I am so so so pleased you came through this even stronger today…. Bless you Sue
Thank you Sue. I don’t feel it courageous though. I don’t know. It just is.
I was pretty sure I’d never do “it”, wasn’t I. Then I did. Somewhere in between I dare say this lone Mother & child needed some help!
This is never easy to read about. Even knowing this from having read your story all along….it isn’t easy. I can’t begin to understand how it makes you feel. I hope when you look back, you see how truly strong you are.
Hi Colleen
I feel good, not sad, to bring this out. I want people out there not to die – I know life is so fking hard, so hard – especially with mental ‘issues’!! – but there is a life to be had: GOT to find out how to make it happen for YOU, which is the yellow brick road, of all the paths, for YOU.
Thank you so much for coming by
Dear Noeleen,
I hope your birthday is feeling happier, and I appreciated seeing this video again. It is such a moving tribute to life and your mom.
Love,
Amy
Thank you Amy – for coming by, and your always warm comments. It’s lovely to have you by
I love you Noeleen. I’ve been there in that black space, and don’t wish it on anyone. Your mum must have been so overwhelmed by it, that she didn’t have the choice. How can we choose when we are terrorized by the darkness? I remember not knowing how to choose life. I just couldn’t choose life. Life chose me, so I wasn’t courageous by not ending it. I don’t believe your mother didn’t have courage. She simply was not able to think beyond ending the vicious mental pain. I wish your mother love and know intuitively that she will find healing through you. We are all connected, all pieces of the same puzzle. Lots of love.
Precisely, she could not think beyond ending the vicious mental pain. There was a place of non-thinkingness, just utter darkness – wasn’t there too with you, Yaz?
I love that you fully relate. I thank you for visiting, and for letting me know you know exactly what it’s all about. I admire your strength, Yaz, that you’ve found a partner and peace and well. Sincerely, N’n.
Willow is right hun!
As someone who made a determined effort to end a life made unliveable by malicious persecution and victimisation by those who should have known better, I DO understand how black life has to be before we try to end it.
You survived and have become far stronger!
Love and hugs to ya both!!!
Prenin.
There are no words just hugs from me to you.
Oh, Tersia, you’ve been through so much – and yet you say this to me?
Mine I have gone through, though it will be resident within forever – but your experiences of late are so raw.
I am truly touched, your consideration in this direction.
x N’n.
It is your life, a statement for each of us. Overcome.
*hugs*
I’m sorry about your mum, and proud of your courage! God be with you always… And you’re right, ‘Life is possible.’
Thank you dearly, Seyisandra.
I have to admit, I am discovering much about myself through this blog. I totally thought me nothing for totally ages, and now I’m thinking that possibly, possibly I have something, even if it is mere courage.
Thank you for reading – a so well published woman like you!
N.
I press like but through my heart it drives a spike.
I know what this day means to you , what happened, so how can I press like.
Deep scars it left on you , the awful hard life you have dragged yourself through.
God rest your mother she had not your strength , perhaps she passed it all to you
so you could use it all at length.
You have weathered nightmare storms and survived the depths of life.
You have raised your boy and he is a tribute to you , your mother and your life!
God bless you and Daniel today and always. xxxxxxxxxx
Thank you, Willow. Thank you so very much.
x N’n.