It is just that edge of perverse, when you shop for poison. Yet, one man’s pen is the other woman’s poison, so that which I bought myself last night without appetite for it, without desire, wholly knowing what it would do to the physical being that is me – it wouldn’t be poison to a l l.
.
Like smoking cigarettes,
like eating so excessively you make yourself sick,
like choosing relationships that corrode you, as you thought no one could, how your father did, again
and again and again.
.
Like pouring that liquid down your throat, it bubbles in your belly, burns to death all good in its path to the liver,
to damage to kill to destroy, you.
You.
Rather like a like on a Facebook page, it is false comfort.
.
I have been doing extremely well, because I found another passion. No – NO: my son re-presented that passion to me. It is in both our blood. I was doing it before he fired in my womb. And likeSifu Gawain Sue said to me at purple belt, “Martial arts is to be practiced everywhere, every day; not just here in the dojo”, and l realized I’d been practicing it for many years, long before I entered the dojo…
.
Sorry, I’m being cryptic. I don’t mean to be: Daniel gave me a one month pass to his dojo, to practice BJJ, muay thai, fundamentals (core strength training) – anything I like, for a month.
“But don’t you want to spend it on one of your friends?”
“You can have it, Mum.”
His response did not address my question, but it answered my veiled question. My son still loves me, though our years brought me to my weakest moment in my whole life.
.
I’m rambling, but I need to get this off my chest before I can write freely again:
Been doing good. Really good. Felt good.
Was feeling stronger.
Was feeling power return to my life
as I did martial arts again at my son’s dojo.
Was doing good at work too
–coping with the stress better,
not just coming home and drinking, hating whereat I had lost myself.
Daniel was feeling good, his Mum being better
- and better and better.
Then, I got up.
I went to the shop.
I bought some poison.
I drank the poison.
I blacked out.
I woke up.
It was today.
Self-sabotage.
The echoes of voices past
(you may not be happy, you may NOT be well).
I was doing SO well, I HAD to kill it. I HAD to poison it. “Don’t think yourshitdon’t stink.” “Yes dad.”
.
I realize (now) that I am having a hard time letting go of “her” – the other me, the me that has been fallen, struggling, aching, breaking for decades.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
I am actually having difficulty
in embracing the wellness
that the last week suggested
could be my life.
I felt good for one week, ONE week I tell you, and then I drenched it in alcohol. Drowned her. Every step forward I had edged myself last week, I drowned back to square one last night. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.
Is she dragging me back, or am I holding on to the broken her, absurdly afraid of allowing happiness, so accustomed am I to its opposite? Get away healthy, well, fighting you: YOU are not allowed to BE.
.
I guess I’m speaking this aloud, Subbers – I’m sharing now because there is a sub-theme running with this whole novel that you are unwittingly privy to… besides which, I don’t know many people in this Melbourne town and, well yes, this blog is something of an outlet to a fairly reclusive writer like me.
.
The main theme is Daniel and me living beyond what hell we went through, and the sub-theme is me here and now trying to get beyond way much else within, still haunting, still struggling, still holding me down and stomping on my happy head, when my happy head dares to rise.
Boots like dad’s.
Ah, pathetic, we humans can be.
Or not.
.
.
.
One of the videos from my blog VodkaWasMyMuse, which I let drop to focus on the novel this year, to put closure to the novel this year, to blossom forward. I guess I’ve dragged this out to remind myself after bludgeoning my wellness so repulsively,
sigh,
yesterday is SO passé.
Copyright Noeleen&Daniel 50/50
-37.814107144.963280
Tell them you first read it here ... & say it's only a first draft!
Of all the more important content, throughout I was captured by my favourite line, “Rather like a like on a Facebook page, it is false comfort.”
Some things summarise life better than poison. Words for instance..
Noeleen, you made a bad choice, but it’s not the end of the world. You know I have friends that has done the same journey as you’re no now and all of them have been were you’re just now – they had to start all over … and it happen many times, but in the end they just had enough of starting all over.
Just climb up on the saddle again – ride on … and hold on tight, because the horse is a wild one.
Ahhh , a fellow traveller down the road of hurt, anger and self loathing, finding the release in the mindnumbing pit of a bottle, one step forward and a weeks step behind, can it never cease this endless cycle , yes it does cease when one can learn to love themselves, when one can step aside and see their inner beauty, tis then the path becomes even and the road to the future beckons in promises of happiness and contentment.
I send you much love my friend.
Emu
I think Daniel’s gift to you was more than just the chance for you to work out. It sounds like you what happened here. You didn’t desire it, but got that bottle anyway. Seems like you need to kick that voice you keep hearing in your memory OUT!
I like all of the feedback. What an astounding group of positive people you have standing all over the world. Cheering you on.
Back to the writing. Back to the gym. And listen to Frank. Your dad (nor anyone else) determines anything about you. You get that honor.
What a positive group of people standing all over the world INDEED. Love how you said that, Colleen.
I’m so tired of self destructing & getting up again, YET this was different as it was like swallowing medicine. I was thinking ‘Why am I doing this?’ and then, ‘Well, you bought it may as well finish it’ and ‘What the HELL am I doing?’ – you know? It was weird – like eating prune cake but you hate prune cake & it’s making you sick as you do it. What the psychology?
Noeleen, I found your blog when you commented on my typo in a comment on another blog – the blogosphere is a tangled web! Your piece was powerful and touching, even though it doesn’t speak to my experience except in one aspect – getting out of your comfort zone. Whether it’s business, counseling or just life in general, we all have an area in which we’re comfortable – where we know what to expect, even if it’s bad – and anything else, even if it’s good, scares us. But the more you venture into that new territory, the more comfortable you will become and the more you will reprogram those old tapes. You sound like a strong person, and I feel sure you will continue your upward climb.
Blessings,
Linda
Thank you dearly, Linda, for these encouraging words.
I corrected a typo?! Sorry – must have been in a nutty mood – or was that the recent typo I read where a grandma “loved 1200 miles away”? That was funny, would be why I pointed it out.
I appreciate you commenting. Some days are a bit raw. Thank you.
“I used to be on an endless run.
Believe in miracles ’cause I’m one.
I have been blessed with the power to survive.
After all these years I’m still alive.”
Well, thank you Prenin, though really what troubles me is not the act but the WHY. I had no desire or appetite, & there I went & did it. People, we are… how can I say…
I just didn’t understand me, and that troubled me, you know. Back to square one with my health – I’d actually made a couple of leaps & bounds but, sigh. WHATevs…
I am here rooting for you Noeleen, never mind the slip. Just get up and keep trying , that is what is important …keep getting back up and trying! Love you and I am here if you need to talk! xxxx
Heya, Willow, & I am rooting for you. It’s not difficult to not have it – I am not tortured by that, but rather, the self destruction I choose, when I choose – you know?
Glad to see you are reading at Lisa’s. She has a lot of good stuff which will speak to you. You gave the alcohol last night. Do not give it today, too, by mourning over what it washed down. Look up. Put on your gloves and get fighting for the Noeleen Daniel is giving you back. He does love you. He is not the only one.
xxx
Hi Red. Happenstance, I went by Lisa’s. She’s magnificent. Humans are capable of magnificence. And you know, magnificence goes on in nature on a daily basis – I mean, look at a spider’s web.
Aye, aye, I’m used to getting up & going again, and I have already resolved I am not giving up the wrestle with this one last demon, residual of my former life known as my childhood. It’s like the last hurdle before an open life, freed from the spirits of my mind, shadows lurking mentally. Daniel is amazing, to me. And you know, his dark dark brown hair is still silken, beautiful to touch
Glad you like my video, Ralph. Oh, I so love to express through film. That music of Michael – The Heretic – isn’t it so beautiful. He made it up himself. I LOVED it when he sent it through, & it inspired that vid.
“What have you got to choose?” Noeleen, hearing this question in your voice really spoke to me. It is a question that works in so many situations.
I hope you have a better upcoming week. Thinking of you, my friend.
Love,
Amy
Now like I said I am no writer, so this may or may not make sense, but I absolutely understand about your other self, the drinking one? The side of you that represents all that your dad instilled in you.. I have one too.
Oh, dads. If you only knew/ cared how capable were of fucking us up in the head. I’ve learned to acknowledge that side of me, let it go if I can, and indulge if I must. I’ve never quite figured out how to destroy the dad voice in my head. And, unfortunately the voice sounds like my own.
So this really hits me in the chest, as for the first time in 5ish years I am indulging my mean self. You are not alone.
Mrs Deboots, thank you so much for letting me know re your dad/voice/ghostly other intruding on your striving to be well.
I completely agree with ‘if they (dad) only knew how capable they are of fucking us up in the head’. If they knew, would they be able to resist whatever it is in themselves that damages little girls? I am positive my father is a misogynist.
Thank you that you could relate, that this hit you in the chest. Not that I wish upon such, but when you let go a balloon & see it fly off into the world out there, for it to come close to another balloon, heart, bounce off another – it’s a comfort.
Sincere best, N’n.
Excellent post that really spoke to me – this blogging biz can be good! Am making headway.
I am happy for Daniel, very very much happy for Daniel. He’s just an amazing young man, with some heavy life experiences so far – but the posture he holds it all with….
Give yourself a break! So you briefly failed your self-imposed test – that is okay. Just get up again. I can only say this because I am battling a dependence on alcohol and cigars at the moment and beginning to realize that I am heading for trouble if I keep going like this. I love your honesty and your cryptic stuff too. You have Daniel and I have Ming but, when they leave home and begin their adult lives, you and I will have each other, Noeleen. Loveya – Juliexx
Of all the more important content, throughout I was captured by my favourite line, “Rather like a like on a Facebook page, it is false comfort.”
Some things summarise life better than poison. Words for instance..
Love your last lines here, Johnny – ‘better than poison’. Ha, love it.
Thank you!
Noeleen, you made a bad choice, but it’s not the end of the world. You know I have friends that has done the same journey as you’re no now and all of them have been were you’re just now – they had to start all over … and it happen many times, but in the end they just had enough of starting all over.
Just climb up on the saddle again – ride on … and hold on tight, because the horse is a wild one.
Thank you dearly, Viveka: dearly.
I’m in the saddle again
You slipped, but you faced up to it and started over again. Courage comes in many guises, but you have spades of it
Oh, bless you CountingDucks. Bless you…
Ahhh , a fellow traveller down the road of hurt, anger and self loathing, finding the release in the mindnumbing pit of a bottle, one step forward and a weeks step behind, can it never cease this endless cycle , yes it does cease when one can learn to love themselves, when one can step aside and see their inner beauty, tis then the path becomes even and the road to the future beckons in promises of happiness and contentment.
I send you much love my friend.
Emu
Thank you Ian, heaps … “fellow traveller”. It’s encouraging to read this, coming from you.
What a freakin’ journey!!!
Courage to face it and write it out, therapeutic to do the same. Push hard against the dark, cling tenaciously to what you seek and know you are.
*hugs*
Choice words, Nelle: thank you.
I really liked the Heretic’s music! Wonderful!
I think Daniel’s gift to you was more than just the chance for you to work out. It sounds like you what happened here. You didn’t desire it, but got that bottle anyway. Seems like you need to kick that voice you keep hearing in your memory OUT!
I like all of the feedback. What an astounding group of positive people you have standing all over the world. Cheering you on.
Back to the writing. Back to the gym. And listen to Frank.
Your dad (nor anyone else) determines anything about you. You get that honor.
What a positive group of people standing all over the world INDEED. Love how you said that, Colleen.
I’m so tired of self destructing & getting up again, YET this was different as it was like swallowing medicine. I was thinking ‘Why am I doing this?’ and then, ‘Well, you bought it may as well finish it’ and ‘What the HELL am I doing?’ – you know? It was weird – like eating prune cake but you hate prune cake & it’s making you sick as you do it. What the psychology?
Thanks heaps your support, Colleen
and ALL!
Noeleen, I found your blog when you commented on my typo in a comment on another blog – the blogosphere is a tangled web! Your piece was powerful and touching, even though it doesn’t speak to my experience except in one aspect – getting out of your comfort zone. Whether it’s business, counseling or just life in general, we all have an area in which we’re comfortable – where we know what to expect, even if it’s bad – and anything else, even if it’s good, scares us. But the more you venture into that new territory, the more comfortable you will become and the more you will reprogram those old tapes. You sound like a strong person, and I feel sure you will continue your upward climb.
Blessings,
Linda
Thank you dearly, Linda, for these encouraging words.
I corrected a typo?! Sorry – must have been in a nutty mood – or was that the recent typo I read where a grandma “loved 1200 miles away”? That was funny, would be why I pointed it out.
I appreciate you commenting. Some days are a bit raw. Thank you.
That’s me – the loving grandma – and you’re quite welcome. I hope each day gets better for you.
“I used to be on an endless run.
Believe in miracles ’cause I’m one.
I have been blessed with the power to survive.
After all these years I’m still alive.”
The Ramones, “I Believe In Miracles”
EXCELLENT
* thank you, Michael *
and so timely
You’re welcome.
Michael, I love that!! What an excellent choice! I may have to put that on my site. Its beautiful, thanks for sharing.
No worries sweetheart, we all fall off the wagon occasionally!
I swore off booze last month and I now have more money to spend, but the thought of buying ‘just one’ bottle is one big temptation!
All I have to do is look at Doug and the money goes back in the drawer!
Keep going hun – I have faith in you and the old Noeleen needs to express past hurt as I used to do…
As one smart cookie said: I am a drinker with a writing problem…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
Well, thank you Prenin, though really what troubles me is not the act but the WHY. I had no desire or appetite, & there I went & did it. People, we are… how can I say…
I just didn’t understand me, and that troubled me, you know. Back to square one with my health – I’d actually made a couple of leaps & bounds but, sigh. WHATevs…
Have a beaut day, author
I am here rooting for you Noeleen, never mind the slip. Just get up and keep trying , that is what is important …keep getting back up and trying! Love you and I am here if you need to talk! xxxx
Heya, Willow, & I am rooting for you. It’s not difficult to not have it – I am not tortured by that, but rather, the self destruction I choose, when I choose – you know?
I read your email… Just be sure to come back. xx
I will I will you be strong and remember you are so worth it!!
Glad to see you are reading at Lisa’s. She has a lot of good stuff which will speak to you. You gave the alcohol last night. Do not give it today, too, by mourning over what it washed down. Look up. Put on your gloves and get fighting for the Noeleen Daniel is giving you back. He does love you. He is not the only one.
xxx
Hi Red. Happenstance, I went by Lisa’s. She’s magnificent. Humans are capable of magnificence. And you know, magnificence goes on in nature on a daily basis – I mean, look at a spider’s web.
Aye, aye, I’m used to getting up & going again, and I have already resolved I am not giving up the wrestle with this one last demon, residual of my former life known as my childhood. It’s like the last hurdle before an open life, freed from the spirits of my mind, shadows lurking mentally. Daniel is amazing, to me. And you know, his dark dark brown hair is still silken, beautiful to touch
Thank you re the love word.
Hey Noeleen, you make great videos, but next time move your big feet as I was trying to watch your TV
Pay back time !!! xox
Glad you like my video, Ralph. Oh, I so love to express through film. That music of Michael – The Heretic – isn’t it so beautiful. He made it up himself. I LOVED it when he sent it through, & it inspired that vid.
Hee hee, yeah, payback!
Yes. Inspiring music. I can understand why you used it
“What have you got to choose?” Noeleen, hearing this question in your voice really spoke to me. It is a question that works in so many situations.
I hope you have a better upcoming week. Thinking of you, my friend.
Love,
Amy
I will have a better upcoming week, Amy, & I wish the best in your direction too. I like your ferret post!
You’ve got me wondering, where did that spider go, where did it live, what did it choose…
Wow.
Now like I said I am no writer, so this may or may not make sense, but I absolutely understand about your other self, the drinking one? The side of you that represents all that your dad instilled in you.. I have one too.
Oh, dads. If you only knew/ cared how capable were of fucking us up in the head. I’ve learned to acknowledge that side of me, let it go if I can, and indulge if I must. I’ve never quite figured out how to destroy the dad voice in my head. And, unfortunately the voice sounds like my own.
So this really hits me in the chest, as for the first time in 5ish years I am indulging my mean self. You are not alone.
Mrs Deboots, thank you so much for letting me know re your dad/voice/ghostly other intruding on your striving to be well.
I completely agree with ‘if they (dad) only knew how capable they are of fucking us up in the head’. If they knew, would they be able to resist whatever it is in themselves that damages little girls? I am positive my father is a misogynist.
Thank you that you could relate, that this hit you in the chest. Not that I wish upon such, but when you let go a balloon & see it fly off into the world out there, for it to come close to another balloon, heart, bounce off another – it’s a comfort.
Sincere best, N’n.
Hang in there, Noeleen…. be happy for daniel.
Thanks Renx.
Just read a post by an author & recovered addict that “early sobriety is the relapse zone” – http://soberidentity.com/2012/12/30/entitlement/#comment-445 .
Excellent post that really spoke to me – this blogging biz can be good! Am making headway.
I am happy for Daniel, very very much happy for Daniel. He’s just an amazing young man, with some heavy life experiences so far – but the posture he holds it all with….
Proud and happy.
Give yourself a break! So you briefly failed your self-imposed test – that is okay. Just get up again. I can only say this because I am battling a dependence on alcohol and cigars at the moment and beginning to realize that I am heading for trouble if I keep going like this. I love your honesty and your cryptic stuff too. You have Daniel and I have Ming but, when they leave home and begin their adult lives, you and I will have each other, Noeleen. Loveya – Juliexx
Julie, thank you so much
Truly, so much.
“Self-imposed test” – hmm, that does have me thinking…
Yes, they will begin their adult lives!! Mercy, I see his independence already. And I love it, mind: independence.
We’ll have each other – love that xx