The energy which swelled in my chest when I opened Tracy’s front gate and walked up her path was enormous. I had never felt anything like it before it in my life.
I had never wanted my father to come home so much, that I felt this; nor my sisters, nor had I wanted to see aunties or cousins, or school friends – and Mum? She left too soon before I could assess what energies I felt in her presence and absence. There was a vague admission within when I thought of Mum, that maybe I did love her: I know I do.
.
The discovery of love through a tiny human being was miraculous, to me – to who I was. I had thought as a teen that I might discover love via a man, with none of the boys who groped for satiation through my body being capable of it. Then when I married at 19, although I told my fiancé-to-be “But I don’t love you”, and he hushed, “You do, you just won’t admit it to yourself because of your numbing childhood”; well in marriage, I thought I might discover love through time.
But love did not come in time. And it did not come to my door when I left the marriage, neither in the form of Stuart the private investigator, my lover two years, nor in the form of any of the men I held between working at the casino, voiceover studios, acting jobs, court reporting. It did not even arrive in the form of Chris, the confident, Asian man with a bent for western ways and western women, pony-tailed, masseuse, quoter of Confucius.
Love did not come to me, to my life, to my heart – and that was fine, because I did not need it. I was fine without it, writing to my sisters the lighter news of my days, being forced to hug them when we met across the country at holidays, feeling nil; viewing my father ageing, with no memory – or perhaps denial – of what he did to me.
Love was never present on any dates, in the music of glasses clinking, eyes shining brightly going blurry, stumbling down alleyways, being thrust against a wooden fence, giggling as a branch of life from some beautiful tree poked me in the ribs. Love was nowhere to be seen as I pushed the branch aside, and fell open my mouth as lust whet his wiles, my ways. Love was absent in the thrust of his passion and mine together, my lips against the wood, hands at each side of my face. Love had not dripped in my knickers we abandoned in a spray of grass at the foot of the fence, when a back light turned on and we heard footsteps, escaped gasping down the lane, holding hands, me bending down to take my shoes off for faster getaway.
Love wasn’t there when I lay alone in bed the next morning, stroking the cat, wondering why I existed.
Not ever.
And then it brought me to my knees.
One 24th of January at 9.39 p.m. I held a life in my hands, borne of my own womb. In the quiet hospital bedroom – Glen who filmed it gone; Trevor who held my hand and the midwife gone; a tiny life breathed amidst blankets on the large double bed. It sort of snuffled when I leaned close to feel the life’s newness, and more preciously than a 1000 kilogram nugget of gold I beheld this life, and surged from me – and surged from me now as I stood at Tracy’s door: love: pure, utter love.
Of all … I had in this tiny being, discovered love.
It was AWEsome.
~
~
Copyright, Noeleen&Daniel 50/50
Belatedly I want to wish Daniel all the Best for his Birthday! I trust that you, dear Noeleen, and your son are going to have a great long weekend! Enjoy your writing and maybe there’ll be a chance to catch up a bit on sleeping? I loved this post very much and also the following post. Written from the heart. Really great writing! My very best wishes for your weekend. Love, Aunty Uta.
Thanks heaps, Aunty Uta. I really appreciate your support – so very much.
Thanks for remembering Daniel. That’s lovely. Every now & then I tell Daniel someone has remembered him – or commented, you know. It’s great!
Thank you
Wow. We must share brains and hearts because that’s exactly how I felt until Miss S. was born.
RIBBONS RETURNS!! Awesome.
Thanks for coming by. I hope your grav works this time & I can see what YOU are up to.
Shows how dearly you love Daniel.
It’s true that every other love that we felt earlier towards anyone else fades in comparison to what we feel for our own blood, a child born out of you after carrying him/her for so many months in your womb.
Absolutely, Amira – you got it
I posted this two days ago, but you missed it. Here it is again…
You’re the best Mom, Noeleen, but you’ve got to figure that out for yourself. In answer to your question about yoga, weight, and rum, I say that when we embark on a health program, it means we are opening ourselves to the issues that the fat helps to bury. Belly-fat usually points to issues about the way other people perceive us, which is also why you had an eating disorder too. It is about not wanting people to see who we really are inside.Belly-fat covers the solar plexus which in a sentence (its a huge subject) contains all the ideas we have about ourselves. If those ideas are horrible, we cover them up. Fat is a good protection mechanism. Now when I say we don’t want people to see who we are, I also mean WE don’t want to have to confront the ugly thoughts about ourselves. Those thoughts make us feel bad, and so we use alcohol or any other addictive thing to avoid those thoughts. For a long time you’ve avoided many things, but are getting to them in this blog. You drink when you want to push down nasty feelings. A big drinker, pushes down big nasty feelings. When you engage in healthy eating, and exercise, you are burning fat and releasing the thoughts and emotions into your bloodstream. You can reach for the bottle when this happens, because the feelings are bad and you don’t want to have to feel them, but they will stay because the alcohol will keep them locked in the bottle by creating fat. Instead, you could simply not buy any alcohol and sit through the feelings. Perhaps write freestyle and see what needs to be processed.
In these blogs, Noeleen, you’re doing an amazing job of confronting your past. I do feel, however, that you need to include a new element. That element is taking the old ideas and replacing them with new happy ones. But to do that, you have to produce evidence, otherwise you won’t believe the new idea. Take the idea we talked about before. Idea: ‘Noeleen is a bad mother’. Change it to ‘Noeleen is a good mother’. Evidence: ‘Noeleen brought up her son alone, and always made sure she gave him everything he needed. Even as an alcoholic, she kept working to support him. She cradled him as a baby and as he grew up, making sure he knew he was loved. She let him have a voice, and he’s grown into a wonderful person because she gave the love she didn’t have growing up.’ This is just one example, and you need to write your blog diaries and include these idea shifts so that you can transform your self-image. If you do this, you will stop drinking because there won’t be a reason to drink. You will see what we all see, a wonderful person, who cares about her child, and works hard to make her life work.
I hope this answers your question Noeleen. If you have any more, feel free to ask. You’re my dear blog buddy; I love to answer your health questions. Lots of love!
Yaz,
Bless you bless you, thank you.
I DID see this the other day, Yaz, & it made an enormous difference to my day. The thing is, it was 10 minutes before I had to go to work & all that I FELT in thanks & understanding of what you’d written just could not be said in so brief a time. This is my constant problem.
Oh if only, if only I could go to a beach somewhere, set up in a shack, and write this out of my heart – and yet Daniel be taken care of while I stepped aside briefly.
Yaz, what you wrote made enormous sense and I am massively grateful. You are so, so generous in your words to me & we have not even seen into each others’ eyes. I really do thank you to say so much, to see so much – to care enough to even bother answering me, & with so much consideration.
“To sit alone with those feelings” is in fact what the drug&alcohol counsellor I saw a few months last year had said. I had to stop seeing him though as he reminded me a couple of times of his “duty of care”, by which I understood that if I continued to be honest with him of my position, agony & endurance, & my persistence in overcoming while continuing to work & raise my son : I understood The Department would find reason to take Daniel away. So I stopped seeing the counsellor, as honest counselling could not be continued without threat of having Daniel removed from me & displaced into strangers’ care.
And what do you know: now I’m doing yoga, martial arts, & drinking about a litre once a week rather than 3-4 times a week. The Department could not know what I know: me.
Yaz, it’s 5.23 Wednesday the 23rd here. Daniel’s birthday tomorrow
I got up at 2.30 a.m., as it troubles me when I don’t get some words out. I began writing at lunch time Tuesday & reluctantly returned to work, words churning. Went to bed 10.20 but didn’t sleep until near midnight, so methinks today will be TIREsome at work.
Sweetest Daniel wants me to take a sleeping pill every night as I experience insomnia without alcohol, but I told him I don’t want to – don’t want my body to rely on that. He fretted “No wonder you end up drinking to fall asleep”. The fact he is actively trying to direct me now, shows me he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Before he despaired, my beloved son, & felt zero hope as I drowned – but now that I have this one month free pass at his dojo & he sees me skipping, boxing, kick-boxing, doing pushups, & going early to yoga … hope is tangible to us both.
I’ve done a few words this morning, Yaz. I’ll get them in a post before work. I also made rice pudding with sultanas, eggs, condensed milk & apple slices at 3 a.m. before writing!! Daniel’s going to love that
Sincerely, whole-heartedly: thank you.
I was more afraid you’d think I didn’t WANT to reply to you Noeleen. Ask anything you like. If you want to put a question in an email, feel free to do so if you don’t want the whole world reading it. Or just post it. Whatever you like. I’m so happy you’ve cut down the drinking. I knew you’d do it. You are so strong and determined. If I were Daniel, I’d be enormously proud of you. We all have demons, and it takes a lot to fight them, as you have discovered. Wow. I’m in such awe of you Noeleen. I really am.
Yaz, I feel you to be such a warm and loving person. I love your words: reassuring, loving.
Thank you that I may email you. You truly did help with your insights.
Do you truly, though, think we ALL have demons? I’m only asking because you look at people like Paris Hilton who appear to have not a care nor a heartache, let alone all material comforts for a human being provided. I wonder what could possibly be her demons.
You just can’t help wonder, though, and then again, and again: whatEVER is the meaning of it all?
for you “beautiful”
http://zendictive.wordpress.com/2013/01/22/gargie/
You’re lovely – thank you so SO MUCH!!!
“Beautiful”? (*blush*)
I have been lucky. I’ve known many loves in my life, but none to rival that moment when my daughter was placed on my chest. I could have moved mountains in that moment and I would still walk across hot coals now that she’s grown. Wonderful post.
Thank you, ACFlory – thank you for feeling it, knowing it (& for reading!).
It is wonderful, & as should be, that you have known many loves in your life. This is my first, my discovery, of love.
I so understand you, that you’d walk across hot coals for your daughter – a babe or grown. How so incredibly valuable is this,
& God forgive but my mind turns to children in Thailand & the like sold by their parents into prostitution, children torn from mothers’ arms in wars, even children torn between fortunate, prosperous western & other parents as they battle bitterly in court, motivated by greed or jealousy, the tragedy of human flaws.
It is utterly precious, this love I have discovered, & naturally we would defend it to the death.
Thank you so much for saying it’s a wonderful post.
Made my day!
-hugs- I was never very ‘maternal’ until I had my own child. I never oohed and aahed over babies in supermarkets. But then, after I had my daughter it was as if this big door had opened in my heart. Suddenly the sound of a baby crying would have me hurrying down the supermarket aisles to make sure it was alright. And like you I began to see that the world is full of children who are suffering. I think that’s why the suicides of young gay teenagers hurts so much. Isn’t life hard enough without adding intolerance and prejudice to the mix? No child should be bullied to death.
Anyway, it’s lovely to find another kindred spirit!
Thank you for your honest response, acflory
Phew! I’m not the only.
Indeed, cheers to a kindred spirit.
I guess no-one ever knows how they will react until it happens to them. One of the more wonderful surprises in my life.
What a great post – so soon I start reading I knew the end … that love would come to you through Daniel – love this post, Noeleen. I don’t have any kids by my own choice – never longed for children. It not that I don’t like children – love them when they are 3-5 especially and they like me, but I can borrow if I get the urge. Stunning post, Noeleen.
Thank you, Viveka – I am glad you liked this’un
I never longed for children either!!! At high school, some girls talked babies & marriage – even careers, but I related to none, & wanted none. I wanted to die: I truly did. I contemplated it so, so regularly: how to, what if I survive, etc.
With me, it IS that I don’t a lot like children (how unpopular is THAT…). I do not hate or loathe them, but their noise, NEED, grizzling, tantrums, sometimes earnestness for simple attention: it’s too much to me. I feel I can’t give that much, and they NEED it. Sorry, I’m just not a natural.
I swear to God, I do not know how I fell into motherhood with grace – as one would fall backward into a pool of water: surrendering arms across chest, being embraced by the waters of experience, gasping for air/struggling, and finally floating. Daniel and me, we are now floating.
The exception of course will bear when time gives, should it, that Daniel bring home his offspring for me to cuddle. I actually look forward to it in later years.
Thank you to say my post is stunning. Bless you, Viveka
Noeleen, I think for 98% of new mothers … motherhood just happens gracefully – just like with you .. and I think I would have done too if it had come to that. Then there is a small % that don’t do it – because of many reasons .. and I feel so sorry for those women, must be hell.
You know I’m always in your corner … *smile
Really good exploration of love. Sometimes I think it is like inspiration, it comes in certain peak moments like a visitation and has us longing for some kind of permenance because nothing is really comparable to the feeling. We do all kinds of things to fill the void in its absence but is it ever truly absent? Has our perception simply narrowed?
Love your thoughts, Domtakis – yes, is it ever truly absent; has our perception simply narrowed? This sets me thinking… Thank you
– thank you for coming by, and for commenting.
Amazing write up. Poetically written. Lots of thoughts, but no time. You know how it goes. But this post moved me tremendously.
So many thoughts churning… from how I felt when I children were born to all the emptiness you just described.
Damn. I’d love to meet you. Never will, but I’d love to.
Nathan, thanks heaps!
Yes I know how it goes ‘lots of thoughts, no time’. It’s really hard to get “everything” done many a day.
I thank you, you should be moved by my words. I bet you do relate, having had children. It was an amazing discovery to me – and so late in life : my discovery of love. Truly, do most little boys & girls feel loved already??? That’d be bolstering, encouraging of your life. Sort of can’t imagine being a kid, feeling loved.
But no, probably not “most”. So, so many children in such awful childhoods. I feel enormously, at that.
There is nothing as beautiful as the new life tenuously held in your shaking arms after you have been to hell and back, wondering why you had ever been so stupid as to let this thing grow in you! Yet a micro second after the birth all pain is secondary to the amazing warmth of love that you are suddenly awash with! God Bless you Noeleen a another blessed coffee break! xxxxx
Hiya Willow. So glad you’ve come by. You make me smile with your coffee at hand, as I imagine how many coffees you must drink, your blog browsing days…
I’ve heaps to catch up on your pages. I’ve started exercising morning/night, though, & some days I collapse after making dinner! I’m sure I’ll normalise, & find some routine. I haven’t done yoga in 13 years, but have been at it a month now. Feels awesome.
Do you do any exercise? Just curious. I used to swim “forever”.
Take care – love to hear from you
Hi Noeleen, yes I do exercise. I go to the gym three times a week for cardio and weight exercises, I do Pilates on a Friday and a Deep Core lesson on Saturday.I hate it but the surgeons told me to exercise or end up in a wheelchair and that is not an option.
xx Keep well and be happy. xx
I love to visit you too and shall continue to do so …… as long as I have coffee. !!
Wow, Willowdot – VERY active. That’s excellent stuff. I’ve never tried Pilates, though have been curious. I’ve wondered how it’s like, or unlike, yoga.
Hope you have a brilliant day. And get that cuppa ready because I got up at 2.30 a.m. today & wrote some!
I look forward to that!!
Hi hun!
Thanks for the visit and comment!
Yeah another cash free day in the Prenin household!
It’s bitterly cold today and we had more snow for a while, but now it’s stopped again – wish I could say the same for the wind, it was bloody cold when I went to the shop!
Love and hugs to ya both!
Prenin.
Prenin, The news over here talks of the cold over there like your news there talks about our bush fires : lots!
It seems like it’s bitterly, bitterly cold for you. I really hope you have enough to stay warm.
If only for free cash, rather than cash-free… But a secret between you & me, I wouldn’t be “where I am today” without my credit card. Ha ha!
I hope the Heavens stir & pennies fall : I hope for you a windfall.
Thanks hun – may the Golden Bird of wealth shit on us both!
Lord knows I could use the money…
God Bless!
Prenin.
Love ya, Prenin – you make me smile!
There is no feeling like holding your child in the early hours. I cried when I had my first. My mother was put off the first pictures of me were with tears. I told her she did not understand because she had not been awake when I was born. It is a moment which truly comes only once in a lifetime.
xxx
Hi Noeleen,
Love can be so difficult to describe. You did a beautiful job of personifying it and showing how you much it meant to finally experience it.
Amy
What I notice is that you are passionate about writing and as you write you gain clarity. The aspect of “love” and how non-judgmental it can be at a higher plane shines through your words.
Shakti
True Shakti – how non-judgmental love can be, is brilliant.
Thank you to say it shines through my words.
And thank you so much for reading! for caring to comment!
It encourages much, to know what people think.
have children, once one told me I’m Nomother, maybe, I do not no for sure, but want to say that there are many sorts of love and I can’t measure if I love somebody more or less than the other because every loved person is unique. and wouldn’t say that in case my children are not grown up
That’s a good comment, wordsaver – every love for a person is unique. Love is beautiful, all-encompassing.
Long time on a doorstep, but I love how you brought it about. “maybe I did love her: I know I do…” I hope at the end of this story that is more than an afterthought. ♥
Whether you are aware of it or not, you express love through your writing, It may not be the love you recognise as love, but it´s clearly there.
Without a mother to show you love, and a father who couldn´t, there´s little wonder you became confused. With no guidance as a small being, it must have been virtually impossible to understand the concept, especially if you had to try to learn emotion through things like TV screens and magazines, where love is to often equated with expensive perfume, boxes of choclates and sex, It´s obvious you understand it´s much more than that.
Whether it be through the birth of a baby, or knowing someone who can show love, at least you have come to recognise what love is. And that´s more than precious in itself.
What excellent comment, Bryan. You’ve said it so well. Yes, I became confused; and yes, I learned it through others’ impressions of what love be: sex, perfumes, chocolates. I think you see me well.
“I hear and I forget; I see and I remember; I write. And I understand”
This heading of yours says it all, dear Noeleen. Your understanding comes with writing. It’s very important that you continue writing. So I believe.
And how wonderful that you can remember the things you saw. Really great!
As far as hearing is concerned, do you mean to say that a lot of what people have to say you tend to forget unless it’s something that you don’t just hear but can truly see?
Awesome, this Love. Such a wonderful feeling. Thanks, Noeleen, for expressing and sharing it! It’s rather sad that you don’t seem to have come across another person whom you were able to love unconditionally like this. Maybe it’s difficult to show someone empathy when you see in a person true or imagined faults all the time!
Oh I remember this too – such an amazing, surging sensation – the best love in the world. What a beautiful description.
From darkness, into the light. As always, captivating.
What a beautiful descriptive story, enjoyed it from the start to the finish, a fantastic loving finale to a young girls harsh beginnings.
Ian aka Emu
Thank you Ian. I am really encouraged by your generous comment. Warm WARM thanks!
Hi hun!
Just caught your first comment!
Sounds like you could do with a chance to read a good book and put your feet up!
I can’t wait to see what you think of it!!!
Sleeping in instalments goes with the vivid dreams territory – each time I dream I end up waking…
Second comment!
Yeah and booze is getting expensive!
The government is forcing all the breweries to put up their prices to reduce binge drinking which means people are spending less on essentials so they can still buy booze…
I wonder a lot about dream symbolism too.
When I tried to put the wheels back on the trolley the axles were blessed with a complicated brass mechanism that made no sense to me, but I got the wheels back on!
Yep the weight problem is down to the medication which reduces metabolism and boosts appetite.
My doctor put me on pain killers when my joints began to hurt – a year later Nurse Emma put me on a diet and I haven’t looked back, although my weight appears to have hit a plateau at the moment, but that’ll pass…
Given I’ve developed a few heart problems which eventually passed due to Aspartame poisoning I’m happy just to still be here!
Yes, I’ll look after myself!
Third comment!
Yeah Skype is a typical Microdick offering – full of bugs and easy for hackers to hijack users with!
Don’t trust any link unless you are expecting it – they use spoof links to take you to contaminated websites which hijack your PC for a wide variety of purposes, from making you part of a botnet to locking you out of your PC and demanding a ransom….
Take care and Trust NO-ONE… LoL!!!
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
You just described how I felt when I held Becky and Emily for the first time.
A love that has lasted over 35 years and seen them from that little bundle of life to confident, happy, parents…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
That is awesome Prenin, and precious. And I am glad you have experienced this beauty.
Thanks for reading
Beautiful, Dear Noeleen! I am so happy for you – Now Life Begins ~ Every Moment in Love ~
tomas
Thank you Tomas – thank you SO much
Holding that tiny form within a mothers arms is a feeling that cannot be replicated.. Love like that is Unconditional.. And even though we may have not felt that same motherly love ourselves Noeleen, it often means we make excellent Mothers as we shower our unconditional love upon our children….
I only admire you even more..
love Sue xox
Thank you, Sue. It was awesome, so truly awesome, Daniel’s tiny being, eyes closed, breathing – small, fragile, needing simply love & loyalty years to come…. which of course comes easily.